JEST FOR FUN

Killing time can damage eternity.

JEST FOR FUN

My friend Arthur loved fast food and especially fried chicken and French fries. He became worried about his weight and eventually consulted his doctor.

"What is the least you have ever weighed?" asked the doctor.

Arthur replied "Seven pounds, six ounces."

JEST FOR FUN

As his small boat scudded before a brisk breeze under a sapphire sky dappled with cerulean clouds with indigo bases, through cobalt seas that deepened to navy nearer the boat and faded to azure at the horizon, Ian was at a loss as to why he felt blue.

JEST FOR FUN

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

JEST FOR FUN

The American arms inspector goes to a Baghdad restaurant for a quick bite and orders a meat pie. A few bites, he realizes there's only a tiny slab of meat at the middle of the pie, the rest being vegetables. "Waiter, how can you call this a meat pie?" "Aah, but you see sir, these days of sanctions, it is difficult to make ends meat.

JEST FOR FUN

Seeing her 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, a mother commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?" "I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls. "I'm just reading about her." The mom came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" she said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?

JEST FOR FUN

Many people prefer to buy their Thanksgiving turkeys in Los Angeles because they all have had breast enlargements.

JEST FOR FUN

When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that the instrument "felt stuffy" and he couldn't blow air through it. It's not unusual to find partial blockages in brass instruments if small items get lodged in the tubing, but when I tested the instrument, the horn was completely blocked. After much probing and prodding, a small tangerine dropped out of the bell. "Oh," said the musician when I handed him the fruit. Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he explained, "My mom used the horn for a cornucopia in a Thanksgiving centerpiece."

JEST FOR FUN

The dollar will never fall as low as what some people will do to get it.

JEST FOR FUN

He put Betadyne on his pay check because he got a cut in pay.

JEST FOR FUN

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Newark, New Jersey. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the violence even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and great benefits. His co-worker told him to reconsider. He said, "Why I myself worked in Newark for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem while I was working. The stories about violence are greatly exaggerated" The first asked, "What did you do over there?" "I was tail-gunner on a mail delivery truck."

JEST FOR FUN

Henry, a professional photographer, was invited to dinner at the Smiths' and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. Sally Smith looked at his photos and commented, "These are very good. You must have a good camera."

Henry didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home, he said, "That was a really delicious meal Sally! You must have some very good pots."

JEST FOR FUN

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

JEST FOR FUN

The box said 'Requires Windows 7 or better'. So I installed LINUX.

JEST FOR FUN

A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp, a genie appeared in a puff of smoke. "For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish; what will it be, sire?" The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do." "Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

JEST FOR FUN

Some people just don't have a green thumb. When my son Bill learned his friend was going to The Home Depot, he asked, "Would you pick up some tulip bulbs? I need to get some for my mom." "Sure," his pal responded. "How many watts?"

JEST FOR FUN

I came upon a man slicing goose feathers and stuffing them into a pillow. "Would you like a cigarette?" I asked. "No thanks, I'm trying to cut down."

JEST FOR FUN

A pastor went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn't work so well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them. He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems, "I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses," he said. "You see, when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick."

JEST FOR FUN

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

JEST FOR FUN

My sister, suspecting that she had lost an inch or so in height as she passed middle age, asked her husband to measure her. Finding that my sister was indeed shorter than in her youth, her husband remarked, "Of course you are. That's because you married and settled down."

JEST FOR FUN

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

JEST FOR FUN

In hindsight, holding a ticker-tape parade to honor our city's street cleaning crew was probably a bad idea.