JEST FOR FUN

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. 85% of women think their ass is too big. 10% of women think their ass is too little. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

JEST FOR FUN

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

JEST FOR FUN

A man goes to see his rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening, and I have to talk to you about it.' The rabbi asks, 'What's wrong?' The man replies, 'My wife is trying to poison me.' The rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's putting poison in my food; what should I do?' The rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her; I'll see what I can find out, and I'll let you know.' So the rabbi calls the wife and asks her what is going on in her marriage. There follows a vituperative harangue that involves a lot of screaming, cursing, invective, vitriol, and huge doses of bitterness. The rabbi tries to intercede with the wife, but at no point in the three-hour tirade is the clergyman able to get a word in edgewise. The rabbi then calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone as I said I would. You want my advice?' 'Yes,' says the man, and the rabbi replies, 'Take the poison!'

JEST FOR FUN

When the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought special or regular gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the roughness of the engine." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "It cost the same as always. I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."

JEST FOR FUN

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved and he signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?" The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50%, because you did all of it through the muffler."

JEST FOR FUN

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to myself, "Wow dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes.

JEST FOR FUN

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was crushed to death.

JEST FOR FUN

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine. What! You've never heard of wind chilled vipers?

JEST FOR FUN

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

JEST FOR FUN

The dollar will never fall as low as what some people will do to get it.

JEST FOR FUN

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

JEST FOR FUN

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

JEST FOR FUN

A woman was sprawled on the living-room couch watching her favorite show on a television food channel when her husband walked in. "Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don't even cook."

Glaring back at him, she asked, "Then why do you watch football?"

JEST FOR FUN

He said: "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said:"That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa."

JEST FOR FUN

Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings,said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"

Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

JEST FOR FUN

The family dinner that night included salad, served on everyone's plate before they sat down. Coming to the table, Dad caught his four-year-old daughter, Amy, poking his salad and told
her to stop.

Amy was very quiet all through dinner. Finally, when the meal was over, Dad asked her, "Amy, why were you playing with my food?

"I was trying to get the moth out," she replied.

JEST FOR FUN

A man took his eight-year-old son to the pizzeria to pick up their order. Corey, the eight-year-old, wanted to get the pizza himself, so his dad handed him a $20 bill and a $2 coupon and waited in the car. A few minutes later Corey appeared with the pizza, change and the coupon. "Wouldn't they take the coupon?" his dad asked.

"Oh, sure, but we didn't need it," said Corey. "We had enough money."

JEST FOR FUN

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?" Wally replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Max, "What in the world for?" "Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" "Yeah," said Max, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, that an old guy like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.

JEST FOR FUN

As Super Bowl week neared, the supervisor for the contractor I work for posted an intimidating memo reminding the day shift that betting on the game was verboten. "9 to 5 employees caught participating in Super Bowl pools will be severely reprimanded." An inveterate gambler from the night shift added his own postscript: "7 to 1 says they won't."

JEST FOR FUN

Two friends were driving along the highway, looking for a place to stop and picnic. The first one said, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other said, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to avoid hitting them. The one friend says to the other, "See? If we were having our picnic under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

JEST FOR FUN

Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. Mrs. Smith is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a
meal for the four. Mister explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife or a date. Since this is there first party, Mister consoles her by saying that all she has to do
is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea. At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"