JEST FOR FUN

At breakfast one day, a woman eagerly waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, she asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his paper, her husband replied, "Oh, probably about 5 to 10 years."

JEST FOR FUN

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

JEST FOR FUN

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset." She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference."

JEST FOR FUN

The state of Louisiana wanted to commemorate their historic Civil War General, James Howe. So they named a bayou after him. It's called Howe's Bayou.

JEST FOR FUN

A suitor, dejected over being rejected thought about hanging himself in front of her house, then remembered she didn't want him hanging around.



JEST FOR FUN

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

The other fisherman replies,"If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some.

"Nope. Still salty." Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty." One hour later, they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says, "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty."

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

JEST FOR FUN

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.

So without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago. I owe my life to chocolate!

JEST FOR FUN

Sign at a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart: We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

JEST FOR FUN

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food. One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on the counter. Determined to finally rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. Returning later, the cook began frantically looking around the galley, then shouted out, "Where did my cornbread go?"

JEST FOR FUN

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped
at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard and down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly we realized why: we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

JEST FOR FUN

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. "The next flight leaves at 1:00 p. m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p. m." "Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked. The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?" "No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."


JEST FOR FUN

According to the American Medical Association, sleeping less has been linked to big guts on men. They say getting more quality sleep creates lean tissue. So women, next time you see your man sprawled on the couch over the weekend, Leave him alone, he's working out!

JEST FOR FUN

Not all men are homeless, but some men are home less than others.

JEST FOR FUN

Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new man!" "I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home with the same old one."

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An inebriated gent is stopped by the police around 1:00 A.M. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effect it has on the human body."

The cop asks, "Really? Who is giving this lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

JEST FOR FUN

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't knowwhy he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start. Can't figure it out.

JEST FOR FUN

There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said, "I'm a Jehovah's Witness." I said, "Come in and sit down. Now, what do you want to talk about"? He said, "Damned if I know. I never got this far before."

JEST FOR FUN

If God had meant for man to see the sunrise he would have scheduled it later in the day.

JEST FOR FUN

My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

JEST FOR FUN

I've finally decided to do something about my weight... lie.

JEST FOR FUN

The unfortunate voyeur was apprehended at the peek of his career.

JEST FOR FUN

I had worked late and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down. Our heads collided and I sported an impressive shiner for several weeks. I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I came by it and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and exclaimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?" "The dog did it," I wearily replied. A man standing next to us looked over at me and said knowingly, "Ah, you must own a boxer."