JEST FOR FUN

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

JEST FOR FUN

A teetotaller is one who suffers from thirst instead of enjoying it.
- Thomas Robert Dewar, 1864 - 1930

JEST FOR FUN

Question on second-grade math quiz:

Tony drank 1/6 of a glass of juice.
Emily drank 1/4 of a glass of juice.
Emily drank more. Explain.

One child's answer impressed his teacher. As she later said, "It could be considered correct, I suppose."

His answer? "She was more thirsty."

JEST FOR FUN

Every time I say the dirty word "exercise," I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

JEST FOR FUN

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems. But then, neither does milk.

JEST FOR FUN

A U.S. Coast Guard pilot was on an exchange tour with the Royal Navy in England. Everyone who drove through the base's gates was required to hold an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards.

As a friendly competition, the pilots' squadron started flashing different forms of ID, such as a driver's license, just to see how far they could go to fool the busy guards. The winner? The fellow
who breezed past waving a piece of toast.

JEST FOR FUN

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol to commemorate Senators and Congressmen. It will be named the "Legislator". It doesn't work and you can't fire it.


JEST FOR FUN

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had. Pleased
with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."

JEST FOR FUN

A computer buff rigged the lawn mowers at his home and place of business so he could operate them by remote control. Halfway through his next vacation, his wife asked, "Did you remember to mow the lawns this week?" "Yes, dear," he replied, "I modem yesterday."

JEST FOR FUN

"I'll see you," she said as she laid down a royal flush in a game of strip poker.

JEST FOR FUN

Research has shown that men usually sleep on the right side of the bed. Even in their sleep they have to be right.

JEST FOR FUN

The self help group for compulsive talkers is called On & On Anon.

JEST FOR FUN

I don't like hanging out at the pancake house, that place gives me the crepes!


JEST FOR FUN

A manager of a restaurant had called its owner to ask about whether or not she should hire a new waitress. "She can speak twelve different languages, which will be good for foreign visitors," said the manager.

"All right, so hire her," the owner replied.

"But, sir..."

"I knew there would be a 'but.' What's wrong with her?"

"Sir, English is NOT one of the twelve languages."

JEST FOR FUN

Men hope their lean years are behind them. Women hope they're ahead.

JEST FOR FUN

An attorney specializing in personal injury decided to branch out, so he added libel claims to his practice. He wanted to add insult to injury.


JEST FOR FUN

A customer walked into my pharmacy asking for a particular nasal spray. "You know, that brand is very addicting," I warned her. "If it's used for a prolonged period of time, your congestion can come back worse than before, prompting even further use."
"That's ridiculous," scoffed the woman. "I've been using it every day for years."

JEST FOR FUN

No sooner had I plopped myself in the chair for my checkup when the dentist smirked, "Ready for your cavity search?"

JEST FOR FUN

Hear about the man who went on diet and had his now oversized pants fall down as he entered a church? The priest called out, " Repant! Repant and thin no more!"

JEST FOR FUN

It just hit me: My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For all this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up for him. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me: My dog is a politician!

JEST FOR FUN

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.


JEST FOR FUN

A woman realized she and her sister-in-law had each been married nearly 50 years. "That's a long time," she observed. "A long, long time," the sister-in-law agreed. Then she smiled. "Something just occurred to me." "What's that?" "If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I'd be out of jail by now."

JEST FOR FUN

Procrastination is my sin

It leads me in much sorrow.

But I intend to mend my ways.

In fact, I'll start tomorrow.