JEST FOR FUN

Cryptographers make terrible drummers. They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.

JEST FOR FUN

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused... told me I was crazy. But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 of an inch shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

JEST FOR FUN

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

JEST FOR FUN

Linda and Jill were chatting over coffee. Said Linda, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, I get a stabbing pain in one eye."

Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Owwwww!" she cried. "There it goes again!"

Jill says, "Take the spoon out of your cup."

JEST FOR FUN

Ducking into confession with a turkey under his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off. When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

JEST FOR FUN

A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving:

I went out with some friends last night and had too many drinks.

Knowing that I was way over the limit, I did something that I have never done before - - -

I took a bus home.

I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

JEST FOR FUN

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason, the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the five kids for fifteen years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "thank you." "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in fifteen years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

JEST FOR FUN

When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.

JEST FOR FUN

A client recently brought her two cats to the veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, the other a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each cat on the scale. "They weigh about the same," I told her. "That proves it!" she exclaimed. "Black DOES make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look FATTER!"

JEST FOR FUN

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." "Did you get a pop-up menu?" "No." "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" "No." "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

JEST FOR FUN

He: "My darling wife, I love you terribly." She: "I know. But we've got a lifetime to work on it."

JEST FOR FUN

The tavern was busiest during the heat wave because it offered cold drafts.

JEST FOR FUN

Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

JEST FOR FUN

Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude. Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not something to be denied. When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, "My God, you have the most beautiful body I've ever seen." Came the whispered reply, "It's all yours if you keep your trap shut."

JEST FOR FUN

After Old Man McGraw chewed us out, we went over to his house and we drew all kinds of pictures on his driveway, sidewalk, and foundation with sidewalk chalk. That'll teach him to mess with the Mural Majority!

JEST FOR FUN

I was unhappy with my job, so I submitted my resignation. I was sure I'd have no trouble finding a new position, because there was a shortage of people with my skill. I emailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers, attaching a copy of my resume to each one. Weeks later, I was dismayed and bewildered that I hadn't received even one request for an interview. Finally I received a response that explained it all: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

JEST FOR FUN

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish...'"

JEST FOR FUN

Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.

JEST FOR FUN

Good things come in small packages because big things can't, unless they're inflatable or require some assembly.

JEST FOR FUN

The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

JEST FOR FUN

A young fashion designer was attending her first runway presentation in which her dresses were featured. The reviews from the industry were fantastic. Overnight, her line became a best seller. Stores couldn't keep the items on the shelves. Celebrities started wearing them. She became so successful that a competitor was inspired to produce cheap copies of her designs to make a quick buck. Furious about this, the designer called her lawyer and explained what was happening. The lawyer was equally furious, but he knew he could handle the situation. "Don't worry," he assured the designer. "I'll take care of him." "What will you do?" she asked him. Replied the lawyer, "I'll block his knock-off!"