JEST FOR FUN

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife. She replied, "You."

JEST FOR FUN

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

JEST FOR FUN

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of manure. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Cow manure," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

JEST FOR FUN

A couple took their children to a restaurant named the Captain's Table. The youngest went to the bathroom but soon returned, confused and embarrassed. "Couldn't you find the way?" Mom asked him.

"Oh," I found it, he replied, legs crossed. "But I don't know if I'm a buccaneer or a wench!"

JEST FOR FUN

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

JEST FOR FUN

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and pushed me!

JEST FOR FUN

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

JEST FOR FUN

In the showroom of a top-of-the-line dealership, 15 or so tropical trees stood sentinel among the highly polished luxury cars. As I was chatting with the treasurer, two large citrus trees bearing a splendid crop of fruit caught my eye. I laughed, and the treasurer followed my gaze to the sign tied to the trees: "DON'T PICK THE LEMONS!" Not long after, the sign and the fruit were removed.


JEST FOR FUN

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by people who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

JEST FOR FUN

While out walking on the African veld one day, a missionary suddenly came face to face with a lion. Thinking that his situation was hopeless, he sank to his knees in prayer, but then became greatly relieved when the lion got down on his knees beside him.
"Dear brother lion," said the missionary, "how heartening it is to find you joining me in Christian prayer when a few moments ago I feared for my life."
"Don't interrupt," growled the lion, "while I'm saying grace!"

JEST FOR FUN

If you're worried about cell phone microwaves, just stick a piece of popcorn in your ear. When it pops, it's time to hang up.

JEST FOR FUN

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. "Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

JEST FOR FUN

When creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world. And then He made the Earth round.


JEST FOR FUN

Let me get this straight. Larry King is getting his 8th divorce, Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time, Britney Spears had a 55 hour marriage. Jesse James, and Tiger Woods while married were having sex with everyone. Yet, the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the institution of marriage?

JEST FOR FUN

Scientists held a vote to decide upon a theory to replace continental drift. Plate Tectonics won by a landslide.

JEST FOR FUN

What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

JEST FOR FUN

Not all men are homeless, but some are home less than others.

JEST FOR FUN

Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Ants on a Log," which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.
The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.
Diana's mother, Beth, dropped her off and went home to get the stuff they'd forgotten. The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away. "Oh," said Diana's father. "I found that stuff on the counter and had it for breakfast." Beth rushed to gather up more ingredients and hurry them to school, with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of
what had happened.
"Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first for that story: 'My dad ate my homework.'"

JEST FOR FUN

She told me the drink was non-alcoholic, but where was the proof?

JEST FOR FUN

How did the Irish Jig get started? Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

JEST FOR FUN

A lost weekend is an alcoholiday.

JEST FOR FUN

I hadn't recorded a greeting yet on my new answering machine, so when my mother came to visit, I asked her to tape one. "This is Marcia's mother," my machine announced. "Marcia is an only child; she never writes, she never calls. So why not give me a buzz? I'd be happy to talk to you. My number is..." Everyone called my mother. She loved the attention.

JEST FOR FUN

I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center. But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."