JEST FOR FUN

Credit: Anna Welander in WORLDWIDE RECIPES:

My husband's expanding waistline was a sore subject, but I could no longer ignore it, especially since he's still young and handsome. "Honey," I said, using a seductive voice, "if you lose 20 pounds, I promise to dance for you."

Using his most sarcastic voice, he shot back, "Lose ten pounds and I'll watch."

JEST FOR FUN

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

JEST FOR FUN

Ducking into confession with a turkey under his
arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would
you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the priest. "As penance, you
must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father,
what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to
keep it for your family."

Thanking the priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the priest returned to
his residence. When he walked into the kitchen,
he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

JEST FOR FUN

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!

JEST FOR FUN

At a restaurant one night, the man at the next table was pulling out all the stops to impress his underwhelmed date. He crowned a lengthy list of lifetime achievements by stating, "At least I can say I have been a Hollywood movie producer." The woman nodded. "I'll make a note of that: 'Has-been movie producer.'"

JEST FOR FUN

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!""Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."

JEST FOR FUN

The band in the Mediterranean restaurant was off for the evening so they could not play our favorite song, so we asked the wait staff to hummus the tune.

JEST FOR FUN

I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on our base. One morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with instruments. One of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled. There was no arriving general. We had almost played for the weather forecast. (Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day)

JEST FOR FUN

Two cultures separated by a common language:

If an American says, "I'm mad about my flat," there is something wrong with his car. If an Englishman says it, he likes his apartment.

JEST FOR FUN

I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State. Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills, which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change. Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was, "Coming soon! New Larger Bills!"

JEST FOR FUN

Credit: Rich Lederer & Jim Ertner as quoted in Stan Kegel's "Puns of the Day"

A hunter was confronted by both a bull and a lion. He shot the lion first because he could always shoot the bull.

JEST FOR FUN

I'm reading a murder mystery where they bury the guy in cornstarch. I just got to the part where the plot thickens.

JEST FOR FUN

A chicken farmer put in a playground for his chickens to see if happier chickens made more eggs. Sure enough, his egg production increased. So, his neighbor across the road put in a playground for his chickens. In fact, he put one in with a 15 ft. slide. So, one by one, the first farmer's chickens began crossing the road to get to the other slide.

JEST FOR FUN

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

JEST FOR FUN

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly. Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."

JEST FOR FUN

In a large Florida city, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbat. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbas goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbas goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks' time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbas he, too, hired a Shabbas goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines. Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation.

JEST FOR FUN

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart and the fences were broken down. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

JEST FOR FUN

Credit: Grammarian and author Richard Lederer, as quoted in Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

Here's a true story: Beth, a high school English teacher in Maine, lived with her friend Sam, an intelligent golden retriever. One day, Beth's mother was riding in the back seat of the car with Sam, who insisted on leaning on Mother. Mother told Sam to "lay down and behave." No action. Mother repeated, "Lay down, Sam." Still no response. Then Beth commanded, "Lie down, Sam," and down the dog went. He was, after all, the companion of an English teacher.

JEST FOR FUN

Aging: Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

JEST FOR FUN

A young woman felt she was well prepared for her in-depth interview with several members of the police-academy board who would determine her suitability as a candidate. The first situation they presented to her was: "On routine patrol you see a car traveling at excessive speed, with undue care and attention. You pull it over and discover that the driver is your brother. What do you do?" Without hesitation she replied, "Tell Mom!" She was accepted.