JEST FOR FUN

A woman, while touring a small South American country called Ecuador was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "Señorita, this is our number one sport." The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting!" "No, Señorita," the guide replied, "that's our number two sport."

JEST FOR FUN

A woman bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery, but after only a few weeks, its leaves shriveled and it appeared to be on its last legs. She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation. "Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am," said the manager. "Good," she replied. "What is it? He said, "Autumn."

JEST FOR FUN

Two five-year-olds were on a picnic with their respective families. They both wandered into the nearby woods to answer a call of nature. The little girl squatted and did the necessary. On her way back to the picnic grounds, she ran across the little boy who was relieving himself against a tree. "Wow" she said with rounded eyes, "what a handy gadget to take on a picnic!"

JEST FOR FUN

Standing in line at the grocery-store checkout, my dad was pleased to hear bits of classical music. Unfortunately, the music would begin to play, only to quickly stop. The store's sound system did not seem to be working properly. Turning to the woman standing behind him in line. Dad commented on how lovely the music was and how he hoped the store would get their system fixed. As the music started up again. Dad smiled at the lady and said, "there it is again! isn't it lovely?" "sir, it is indeed lovely, but it's not from the store," the woman replied with a smile. "your cell phone is ringing."

JEST FOR FUN

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

JEST FOR FUN

A doctor's daughter was getting married. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what appeared to be a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down." Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

JEST FOR FUN

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC. This was her first time to the city, so she wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer," the blonde said, "how do I get to the Capitol Building?" The officer said, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." The blonde thanked the officer and he drove off. Three hours later the police officer came back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde said, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

JEST FOR FUN

Kevin, a volunteer firefighter, was waiting in line to give blood at a blood donor clinic. His pager went off, so he left quickly, only to discover it was a false alarm. Upon returning, his pulse and blood pressure were checked, but his pulse was too high to donate blood. After waiting ten minutes to be retested, a different nurse came looking for him: "Are you the man with the pulse?"

JEST FOR FUN

A man was standing in a gallery, studying two near-identical pictures by the same artist. Both showed a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls, a bowl of salad and a plate of smoked salmon. Yet one painting was priced $150, the other at $125. So he asked the gallery owner to explain why one was more expensive than the other. "It's simple," said the gallery owner, indicating the more expensive painting. "You get two extra slices of smoked salmon in that one."

JEST FOR FUN

There once was a sweepstakes that offered a shopping center as first prize. The Supreme Court, however, ruled the contest illegal, since everyone knows you can't win a mall.

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A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

JEST FOR FUN

Jimmy asked, "Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You know, the one you said was really something special." "To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him." answered Mike. "The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird." "What?" says Jimmy. "Let me get this straight ... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?" "Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish." "Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish." "That's what you think!" says Mike "It just so happens this fish can sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?"

JEST FOR FUN

Mr. Kramer had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Kramer scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

JEST FOR FUN

Before King Arthur appointed a knight to give acupuncture treatments at Camelot, Sir Lancelot knew he was stuck with the job.

JEST FOR FUN

"Come on, Mom. Don't be mad at me. After all, I never said my room was clean."

"Yes you did!"

"No, what I said was, 'I'm done cleaning my room.'"

JEST FOR FUN

A small plane with a pilot and six passengers aboard encountered serious turbulence, and the pilot told the passengers, "It looks like we are going down." One of the passengers said, "Skipper, I know how to pray." "Good," replied the pilot, "You pray while the rest of us put on our parachutes - we're one short."

JEST FOR FUN

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity." The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' the preacher said, 'No shit?'

JEST FOR FUN

A man owned a small farm in Australia. The Fair Work Australia Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep. 'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday" 'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room. 'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

JEST FOR FUN

The Sunday school teacher asked, "Timmy, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Timmy. "How could he, with just two worms?"

JEST FOR FUN

Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled. It's the difference of a pinion

JEST FOR FUN

Bob Cohen, who is quadriplegic and uses a wheelchair, is driving to a very important business meeting, but, when he gets there, he can't find a handicap only parking slot. He drives around, up to several blocks away. Even the two pay parking lots are full. In desperation he looks heavenly and says, "Oh Lord, if You will find me a parking place in the next five minutes, I promise You I will stop gambling, I'll eat only kosher food, I'll stop going with shiksas and I'll observe shabbes properly." Almost immediately, he sees a van pulling out of its handicap only parking place and quickly takes its place. Again Bob looks up at heaven and says, "Oh Lord, there's no need for You to find me a parking place - I've already found one."