JEST FOR FUN

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the Men's Room. It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and many drinks. The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?" "Yes." "You come from Talahasee, Florida?" "Yes." "Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?" "Yes, I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?" The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle and you're peeing in my shoe!


JEST FOR FUN

I was all excited when my doctor gave me a prescription for the medical marijuana that sells under the name brand, "Reeferal." Then I found out he was a poor speller and was just sending me to another doctor.

JEST FOR FUN

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Suspecting that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. Smith that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

JEST FOR FUN

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

JEST FOR FUN

The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, "no fat", "low fat", "reduced fat " and "fat, but with a great personality."

JEST FOR FUN

I love chocolate, but it makes my clothes shrink.

JEST FOR FUN

Tubal ligation can get knotty, but lobotomy is a no-brainer.

JEST FOR FUN

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally, he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact." "Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee.

JEST FOR FUN

My cousin decided it was time that her three sons get baptized, so after several weeks of suitable instruction, one bright Sunday morning they were on their way to church where the three boys, 8, 9, and 11, would have their sins washed away. The 9 year old seemed particularly pensive that day, and when Ruth Ann asked him what he was thinking about, his reply was in the form of a question. "Mom, would it be all right if I went first?" "Sure, why?" she asked. "Because, I don't want to be baptized in water that has all of my brother's sins floating around in it."

JEST FOR FUN

Gottlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but the baseball playoffs start tonight. Rabbi, I'm a life long sports junky. I've got to watch the game on TV." The Rabbi responds, "Gottlieb, that's what VCR's are for." Gottlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?"

JEST FOR FUN

A long-married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too far, fell into the well and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

JEST FOR FUN

"So, when the judge didn't show up. The bailiff put His Honor's photo on the bench instead." "And that's why Murphy's appealing?" "Yeah, he says the picture doesn't do him justice."

JEST FOR FUN

It was Yom Kippur evening. In the old Jewish neighborhood, everyone was heading to services. And on his way to synagogue, the Rabbi notices one of his neighbors - an old timer - sitting on a park bench. "Sam. Aren't you going to services?" "Not this year, Rabbi." "Why not Sam? Don't you think you should ask G~d for another year of good health?" "Rabbi. I'm ninety-three years old. Most of my friends are gone. And I have a hunch. I think that in heaven they've forgotten about me. And the last thing I want to do is remind them!"

JEST FOR FUN

The doctor told me I had to watch my drinking. So now I only go to bars that have mirrors.

JEST FOR FUN

"Please keep your dog beside you, sir!" a woman said crossly to the man sitting opposite her on the park bench. "I can feel a flea in my shoe." "Fido, come here," replied the man. "That woman has fleas."


JEST FOR FUN

At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces, "Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar." Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not till next Wednesday. "

JEST FOR FUN

A Jewish couple in London won twenty-million pounds in the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for six. Perplexed, they asked the butler why it was set for six when they had expressly asked him to set it for four. The butler replied: "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes"

JEST FOR FUN

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

JEST FOR FUN

At the final dinner of an international conference, an American delegate turned to the Chinese delegate sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, "Likee soupee?" The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly. A little later, it was "Likee fishee?" and "Likee meatee?" and "Likee fruitee?" and always the response was an affable nod.
At the end of the dinner the chairman of the conference introduced the guest speaker of the evening: none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of his American neighbor. When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbor and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, "Likee speechee?"

JEST FOR FUN

The reason we never see any politicians playing golf is it's too much like their work, trapped in one bad lie after another.

JEST FOR FUN

I was driving to work this morning when my Ford quit. I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car, and began making cooing noises. A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and then more. Soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly. Then I noticed several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car holding the other end of the rope. All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and chased them all off. No way I was going to be pigeon-towed!