JEST FOR FUN

I sure hope that the sheep that provided the organ for my transplant was a Republican, because I'd hate to be known as a bleating heart liberal.

JEST FOR FUN

A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks JUST like his father." "I know," replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"

JEST FOR FUN

I'm reading a murder mystery where they bury this guy in cornstarch. I'm just getting to the part where the plot thickens.

JEST FOR FUN

The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. The newspapers reported the incident with the headline, “The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn”.

jest

As a schoolteacher expecting my first child, I had attended natural-childbirth classes. One of my classmates was in the hospital in labor at the same time I was. She quickly requested drugs to ease her pain, while I gave birth aided only by my husband's coaching. When the nurses rolled me out of the delivery room, I spotted a chalkboard. Beside my classmate's name was an A-; next to mine was a B+. "Alan, look at that!" I complained to my husband. "She took all the drugs they'd give her and made an A-. I did it naturally and only got a B+." My patient husband rolled his eyes. "Kathy," he said, "that's your blood type!"Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

JEST FOR FUN

Be careful if you visit Sea World. You could lose your shirt to one of the pool sharks there.: credit Stan Kegel

JEST FOR FUN

I wouldn't want to fly Virgin; who'd want to fly with an airline that doesn't go all the way.

JEST FOR FUN

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT.

JEST FOR FUN

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." he said. "Oh yeah? What's the problem?" "When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

JEST FOR FUN

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered," God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

JEST FOR FUN

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells'."

JEST FOR FUN

My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working.(Fred Marcum as quoted in Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day)

JEST FOR FUN

The unfortunate voyeur was apprehended at the peek of his career.

JEST FOR FUN

At a mass where a group of young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two men in rabbinical garb enter the church. They found seats at the back of the sanctuary on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. But when it came time for the announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced, "I am delighted to see two rabbis in our midst at this very special mass where these young ladies are to become the 'brides of Christ'. But I'm curious: why did you choose to be present at this occasion?" The elder rabbi slowly rose to his feet and announceed, "Family of the Groom."

JEST FOR FUN

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

JEST FOR FUN

The most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex is, "What time will your husband get home?"

JEST FOR FUN

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road."

JEST FOR FUN

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet. "How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman. "A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

JEST FOR FUN

Sign at a gasoline station: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR GAS PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR GASOLINE IS.

JEST FOR FUN

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?" Her mother asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one."

JEST FOR FUN

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." The following day, walking in the park with his mother, he saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then said to her, "Uh-oh, I know what you have been doing!"

JEST FOR FUN

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road."