JEST FOR FUN

The Honor System Virus: This virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation.

JEST FOR FUN

The night before their marriage, Jerry called on his innocent bride-to-be at her apartment. "There's nothing to be nervous about," he assured her, "making love is very simple. Tonight I'll demonstrate first how Cousin Alvin makes love, then how Cousin Benson makes love, and finally how my Uncle John makes love." The next morning a telegram arrived: "Thanks for lessons. Have eloped with your Uncle John."

JEST FOR FUN

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave. "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."

JEST FOR FUN

A shopkeeper attacked a thief with a price labeling gun. The police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

JEST FOR FUN

The one good thing about being a kleptomaniac is that you can always take something for it.

JEST FOR FUN

The husband had just finished his book "Man of the House." He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face he said; "From now on, I want you to know that I am the Man of this house and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director."

JEST FOR FUN

Recently, fish and game officials in South Florida cracked down on folks catching more than their limit of certain types of fish. Wardens stopped a guy, made him open the trunk of his new Grand Marquis sedan and then fined him $1,000 for possessing an overabundance of' game fish. It is the first time in history a penalty has been levied for the level of fish in a Mercury.

JEST FOR FUN

While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers had asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed." I asked him why he wanted one. I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost," or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'" He got his new dictionary!

JEST FOR FUN

One thing to remember when eating in a German restaurant: No matter how bad the appetizer is, the wurst is yet to come.

JEST FOR FUN

The judge was disturbed. This was the ninth time this year that George had appeared before him and the ninth time he was convicted. It was always for minor crimes, shoplifting a six- pack of beer, pick-pocketing, breaking into a parking meter. And he always seemed to be caught with the loot still on him. Before sentencing George, the judge decided to try to make him see the errors of his ways. "You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself." he told George.
George answered, "No man should be ashamed of his convictions."

JEST FOR FUN

Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes but he told the warden he wasn't worried at all about serving his full term. The warden asked him why, since most prisoners immediately start planning how they can get out early. Jimmy replied, "Well, my wife has never let me finish a sentence."

JEST FOR FUN

A father was entertaining a boy his daughter had brought home from college. "I realize it's only a formality," the young man said, "but I want to ask for your daughter's hand."
"And where did you get the idea that this is just a formality?" the father asked.
The boyfriend replied, "From our Lamaze instructor."

JEST FOR FUN

Judi stood before the judge in divorce court.
Judge: "You have asked for a divorce decree from this court. Madam, is that correct?"
Judi: "Yes, it is."
"And the grounds for your request is that your husband is too careless about his appearance. Is that also correct?"
"That's right, Judge. He hasn't appeared at home for five years now."

JEST FOR FUN

On a wall in a ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere"

Written just below it: "I do not"

JEST FOR FUN

Jacob is one of the lucky ones because he's the only one of his family to have survived two years in a concentration camp. He's now nearing 90 and his only remaining joy is the national lottery, which he's been playing for years without success. But then he wins the big one, a prize of $10 million, and a journalist from the Times calls on him for a story. Jacob tells him, 'as I'm the only one in my family to have survived concentration camp, this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win. So I've decided to donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund, $3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal Center, $750,000 to the Jewish Museum, $750,000 Hadassah Hospital and $500,000 to be shared amongst my friends. I'm also thinking of donating $1 from my pocket to the Nazi party.' The journalist is surprised. 'But Jacob, how can you think of donating even $1 to the Nazi party after everything that's happened to you and your family?' Jacob rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies, 'It's only fair. They gave me the winning numbers.'

JEST FOR FUN

Dave was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and explained: "I'm afraid that if I ever fall behind in my payments, she might try to repossess me."

JEST FOR FUN

I had to move to New York for health reasons. I'm extremely paranoid and New York is the only place my fears are justified.

JEST FOR FUN

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect!

JEST FOR FUN

I bungled a toilet installation once. I decided to caulk it up to experience.

I don't believe in astrology, because I'm an Aquarius and Aquarians don't believe in that sort of thing.

JEST FOR FUN

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."