JEST FOR FUN

Mr. Bud Lind was retired, but active in his community, and one of his volunteer jobs was to occasionally drive the high school band bus to different outings. Because drivers changed often, there was a sign posted at the front of the bus that read, "Your driver is: ______" Bud always got a kick out of watching the reactions of new band members when they read the sign at the front of the bus stating "Your driver is: B. LIND."

JEST FOR FUN

We've just heard that the Italian government is installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. After all, what good is it if you have the inclination, but not the time?

JEST FOR FUN

Making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else. (Lyndon B. Johnson)

JEST FOR FUN

We used to have a guy who said: "I take orders from no one." Unfortunately he was in the sales department.

JEST FOR FUN

In search of a roll-in shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom supply store that advertised they consulted on accessible bathroom solutions. We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision. Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant where the same young lady from the bathroom supply store was now arriving with two friends. As she passed close to our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear, "Hey! You're the man who needs a shower!"

JEST FOR FUN

Signs that you are in the 21st century: You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year.

JEST FOR FUN

Old hypochondriacs never die - they just lose their grippe.

JEST FOR FUN

A few years ago the nuclear aircraft carrier Enterprise was returning to its base at the Oakland-Alameda Naval Base when the ship's captain, misreading the tides, managed to run the carrier aground on the mud flats of San Francisco bay. This event went down in history as being one of the finest examples of grounding the warship you walk on.

JEST FOR FUN

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

JEST FOR FUN

A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for greater profits. Finally, he succeeded. While telling the results to his friends, he told them, "The turkey I bred had six legs!" His friends who had got quite excited, eagerly asked, "What about the taste?" The father said with a long-drawn face, "We're not sure - we haven't caught one yet!"

JEST FOR FUN

When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?" She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."

JEST FOR FUN

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."


JEST FOR FUN

The teacher of a high school class in the fundamentals of economics led the discussion around to the population explosion. "Certain levels of our society reproduce much more frequently than others," he pointed out. "What people would you guess reproduce the most?" One bright student answered, "Women?"

JEST FOR FUN

The Secretary of Health and Welfare is visiting a psychiatric ward, and asks the Head Psychologist "How do you determine if a patient is cured?" The psychologist explains, "We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon, a cup, and a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub." "I see," says the Health Secretary, "the cured person would choose the bucket because it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster." "Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a sane person would simply pull the plug."

JEST FOR FUN

It was the perfect day for a little fishing, but after a while I ran
out of bait. Then a few feet up the shore I saw a snake with a
frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the
snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed
him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait
bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without
getting bit. After thinking about it for awhile, I had an idea: I
grabbed my bottle of whiskey (hey, don't laugh: it's the best
part of fishing!) and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

Sure enough, his eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released
him without incident. I carried on my fishing with the frog. Caught
a big bass, too! A couple hours later I felt something brush my
leg. I looked down and there was that same snake looking up
at me. He had two frogs in his mouth.

JEST FOR FUN

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

JEST FOR FUN

Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court. The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?" "I'm 45 years old, your Honor." The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?" "I'm 45 years old, your Honor," answered Sadie again. "Well," said the judge, "you're not being truthful. It's written down here that you were born in August 1945 and that means you're almost 65." "But your Honor," replied Sadie, "I'm not counting the last 20 years with my husband." "Why not?" asked the judge. "You call that living?" replied Sadie.

JEST FOR FUN

My first psychiatrist said I was paranoid, but I want a second opinion because I think he's out to get me.

JEST FOR FUN

"OLD" IS WHEN ..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!

JEST FOR FUN

A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.

JEST FOR FUN

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."


JEST FOR FUN

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80's and still gainfully employed as a salesman, has been trying unsuccessfully to sell ribbon to Macy's for many years. Last week he made another attempt to speak to the anti-Semitic buyer. "Goldstein," the buyer says, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis." Three days later, 4 tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy's receiving dock. The ribbon buyer went ballistic. He calls Goldstein and yells. "What's going on??? I ordered enough ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me 4 truck loads full of ribbon." Goldstein replies calmly: "The tip of my penis is in Poland."