You're Doing It Wrong

JEST FOR FUN

2012-02-10T02:29:00.000-08:00

A wealthy old farmer was having a family reunion with his large family and as they all sat down to the table for a Sunday roast beef dinner, the old man looked around at his six big strapping sons and said: "I don't see any grandchildren around this table of mine. I want you all to know that I will give $10,000 to the first one of you who presents me with a grandchild. We will now say grace."

When he raised his eyes again, he and his wife were the only ones at the table.

JEST FOR FUN

2012-02-09T02:38:00.001-08:00

Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

JEST FOR FUN

2012-02-08T02:31:00.001-08:00

A woman went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and found her husband shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

JEST FOR FUN

2012-02-07T02:29:00.000-08:00

Hank finally found the courage to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman. "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.

"Not even on her best day." Hank replied.

"Does she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

"No, she's broke."

"Then what is it? What can she do for you that I can't?"

"She can sue me for child support."

JEST FOR FUN

2012-02-06T02:11:00.000-08:00

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (I just turned sixty). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

"I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?"

"No," I said...

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you want to live to be 80?"

JEST FOR FUN

2012-02-03T02:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Secretary of Agriculture,

My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma,
received a check the other day for $1,000 from the government
for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs"
business myself next year. What I want to know is, in your
opinion, what is the best type of farm not to raise hogs on,
and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be
sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs,
but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I can just as
easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping
an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. If I
can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at
first, holding myself down to about 4,000 "not raised" hogs,
which will give me $80,000 income the first year.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not
feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good
time of the year to not raise hogs and grain. I am also
considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send
me any information on that also.

In view of these circumstances, I understand that the
government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to
file for unemployment and food stamps as well. Be assured
that you will have my vote in the coming elections.

Patriotically yours,

Duster Benton

JEST FOR FUN

2012-02-02T03:09:00.000-08:00

During a Sunday-morning worship service, a mother tried everything she could think of˜including rewards, scoldings, and threats˜to get her fidgety 7-year-old to be quiet. Nothing worked. Finally, about halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered something in the little boy's ear. He immediately stopped fidgeting and sat quietly for the rest of the service. Afterward a friend sitting in the row behind asked the young mother what she had said to her son. The mother smiled slyly and replied, "If you don't be quiet, the preacher is going to lose his place, and then he'll have to start his sermon all over again."

JEST FOR FUN

2012-02-01T02:01:00.000-08:00

A woman ahead of me at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened.

"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size."

A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health."

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-31T02:08:00.000-08:00

A lady was entertaining her friend's small son. "Are you sure you can cut your meat?" she asked after watching his struggles.

"Oh, yes," he replied, without looking up from his plate. "We often have it as tough as this at home."

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-30T02:06:00.000-08:00

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-27T01:53:00.001-08:00

Nigel and Stephen, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers. Out on the lake while on holiday, with their wives, in Poitou-Charente, France, last year, slurping a large Bordeaux Supérieur, Nigel announces, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in eighteen months." Stephen downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, "Think it over a bit more, Nigel. Women like that are hard to find."Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-26T02:35:00.001-08:00

My doctor operated on the wrong side of my brain. I have half a mind to sue him.

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-25T02:28:00.001-08:00

Getting married is very much like going out to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-24T02:19:00.001-08:00

Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O'Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or "chit." That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.

"Is this chit worth $10?" I asked.

Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, "I'm sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?"

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-23T02:42:00.001-08:00

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-20T02:33:00.001-08:00

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers
come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down
for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by
candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring water.

When she finished, she went into each and every room and
deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into
the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen
and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend,
all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything
from cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were
brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to
move out for a few days and in the end, they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to
work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take
the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half,
they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got
out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money
from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called
the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely
and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be
willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting
the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he
agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house
had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that
very day. She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered
the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their
new home. And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain
rods with them.

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-19T02:00:00.001-08:00

If you're worried about cell phone microwaves, stick a piece of popcorn in your ear. When it pops, it's time to hang up.

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-18T02:38:00.000-08:00

Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-17T01:40:00.000-08:00

Because of an ear infection, a young boy, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. The mother was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to the boy. When he
asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear.

Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to the mom. Without looking at it, she tucked it into her purse. Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-
drug interaction the boy must have. When he saw the mother's puzzled expression, he showed her the label on the bottle.

As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take with broccoli."

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-16T02:50:00.000-08:00

Three mischievous boys skipped school one day and instead went to the zoo one day for an outing. They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a commotion. The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-13T02:01:00.000-08:00

A handful of seven-year-old children were asked what they thought of beer. Here are some interesting responses.

I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.

Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.

My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.

My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.

I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-12T02:23:00.000-08:00

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently, he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking
the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-11T04:30:00.001-08:00

A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a new prosthetic and hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds it and confronts him with the artificial limb. "This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks. "No, of course not" responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-10T02:24:00.000-08:00

A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers
aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available.

JEST FOR FUN

2012-01-09T04:43:00.000-08:00

My daughter's boyfriend is currently prospecting for oil somewhere in the Middle East. So, she sent him a "Get Well" card.  

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-29T01:40:00.000-08:00

A church group held a luncheon. Afterward the participants took home any desserts that were not used. One of the women looked at her chocolate cake and said, "I can't imagine what happened to this - the fudge icing was hard this morning, the cake moist, and look how disgusting it looks
now. No wonder no one ate it." Another woman looked over and said, "That's my cake in your hand."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-28T02:21:00.000-08:00

One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked "What is the Gross National Product?"

His son pondered for a minute and replied, "Spinach?"

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-27T02:51:00.000-08:00

om, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again when he was aboutto get into the chair. The dentist told his assistant to give Tom
a shot of whiskey kept on hand for just such circumstances as this.

"You got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.

"No!" replied Tom.

So a second shot was brought, then a third. "Now have you got your courage?" asked the dentist.

"You're darn right!" Tom said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see who'd dare to touch my teeth now!"

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-26T01:44:00.000-08:00

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the plea of one Mrs. Jones that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the
Governor gently.

"For stealing a bread truck," replied the offender's wife.

"Is he a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-23T02:29:00.000-08:00

While Christmas shopping at a toy store, Barry came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As he scanned the line, he noticed his friend Wally, waiting with all the others. Knowing that Wally had no daughters or young relatives, Barry figured that Wally must like the dolls himself.

"Wally, I didn't know you were a collector!"

"I'm not," Wally replied.

"Then why are you standing in this long line?"

"Well, I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue!"

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-22T02:14:00.000-08:00

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Christmas dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake some cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Mike." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Mikey these are so good." As he finished the cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"

His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."

The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"

Mikey replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, so I got the dog to help."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-21T02:47:00.000-08:00

Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and going grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend
whom I had been promising to take to lunch, asked if we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped. "Geesh! Thanks a lot!" she sulked.

What? Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the turkey."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-19T02:17:00.001-08:00

It was Christmas Eve at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one. In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, madam," he replied, "they're all dead."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-18T10:27:00.000-08:00

I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Minnesota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping and is at about 15 degrees and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in …

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-17T01:56:00.001-08:00

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years." He said, "That's a mirror, you idiot."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-16T01:17:00.000-08:00

People in my office were forgetting about food they'd left in the employees' refrigerator. New policy asked that a name and date be marked on each container. As a reminder, a signwas posted: "Please date your food." Below, someone hadscribbled: "What? And give up men?"

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-15T02:28:00.001-08:00

Two signs found on top of one another in a country restaurantseveral years ago:
Restrooms to the left.
Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-14T03:10:00.001-08:00

This morning I woke up late and now I'm scrambling to make breakfast!

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-13T02:33:00.000-08:00

The day before his wedding, a woman stopped in to visit her uncle, for whom this would be his second marriage, She knew he really wanted to make it work. "Are you nervous about the wedding?" she asked him.

"No way," he replied nonchalantly. "Cup of cake. Cup of cake."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-12T04:18:00.000-08:00

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-09T02:21:00.001-08:00

Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient. "Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub." "I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest." "No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-08T02:30:00.000-08:00

Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her "the talk." "Sometimes, it's easy to get carried away when you're with a boy," I said. "Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life." "Don't worry," she said. "I don't plan on ruining my life until I get married."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-07T02:36:00.000-08:00

As a highly skilled computer technician, Joe was hired to synchronize the communication between the microchips in the various computers in a local network. His new boss had left him instructions on a series of post-it notes. The slips of paper were so numerous and jumbled that they were confusing to Joe and his colleagues. Finally, Joe decided to ignore his boss' instructions. He simply discarded the notes and successfully completed the task on his own. Upon his return, Joe's boss asked him to describe the strategy that resulted in his success. "That's easy," replied Joe. "Lose slips, sync chips!"

j

2011-12-06T04:28:00.000-08:00

"No woman can keep a secret." "I don't know about that. I've kept my age a secret since I was 21." "You'll let it out some day." "I hardly think so. When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-05T04:02:00.000-08:00

I am retired. I WAKE UP WITH NOTHING TO DO, AND BY THE TIME I GO TO BED, I ONLY HAVE HALF OF IT DONE! How did I ever find time to go to work?

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-02T02:51:00.000-08:00

Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position

JEST FOR FUN

2011-12-01T03:47:00.000-08:00

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-30T02:22:00.000-08:00

Killing time can damage eternity.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-29T03:06:00.001-08:00

My friend Arthur loved fast food and especially fried chicken and French fries. He became worried about his weight and eventually consulted his doctor.

"What is the least you have ever weighed?" asked the doctor.

Arthur replied "Seven pounds, six ounces."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-28T03:25:00.000-08:00

As his small boat scudded before a brisk breeze under a sapphire sky dappled with cerulean clouds with indigo bases, through cobalt seas that deepened to navy nearer the boat and faded to azure at the horizon, Ian was at a loss as to why he felt blue.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-25T04:28:00.000-08:00

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-24T04:32:00.000-08:00

The American arms inspector goes to a Baghdad restaurant for a quick bite and orders a meat pie. A few bites, he realizes there's only a tiny slab of meat at the middle of the pie, the rest being vegetables. "Waiter, how can you call this a meat pie?" "Aah, but you see sir, these days of sanctions, it is difficult to make ends meat.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-23T04:35:00.000-08:00

Seeing her 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, a mother commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?" "I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls. "I'm just reading about her." The mom came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" she said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-22T02:00:00.000-08:00

Many people prefer to buy their Thanksgiving turkeys in Los Angeles because they all have had breast enlargements.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-21T02:41:00.001-08:00

When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that the instrument "felt stuffy" and he couldn't blow air through it. It's not unusual to find partial blockages in brass instruments if small items get lodged in the tubing, but when I tested the instrument, the horn was completely blocked. After much probing and prodding, a small tangerine dropped out of the bell. "Oh," said the musician when I handed him the fruit. Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he explained, "My mom used the horn for a cornucopia in a Thanksgiving centerpiece."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-18T04:17:00.000-08:00

The dollar will never fall as low as what some people will do to get it.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-17T04:40:00.001-08:00

He put Betadyne on his pay check because he got a cut in pay.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-16T04:23:00.001-08:00

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Newark, New Jersey. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the violence even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and great benefits. His co-worker told him to reconsider. He said, "Why I myself worked in Newark for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem while I was working. The stories about violence are greatly exaggerated" The first asked, "What did you do over there?" "I was tail-gunner on a mail delivery truck."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-15T01:37:00.000-08:00

Henry, a professional photographer, was invited to dinner at the Smiths' and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. Sally Smith looked at his photos and commented, "These are very good. You must have a good camera."

Henry didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home, he said, "That was a really delicious meal Sally! You must have some very good pots."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-14T02:50:00.000-08:00

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-11T05:27:00.000-08:00

The box said 'Requires Windows 7 or better'. So I installed LINUX.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-10T04:19:00.000-08:00

A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp, a genie appeared in a puff of smoke. "For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish; what will it be, sire?" The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do." "Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-09T02:28:00.001-08:00

Some people just don't have a green thumb. When my son Bill learned his friend was going to The Home Depot, he asked, "Would you pick up some tulip bulbs? I need to get some for my mom." "Sure," his pal responded. "How many watts?"

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-08T03:06:00.001-08:00

I came upon a man slicing goose feathers and stuffing them into a pillow. "Would you like a cigarette?" I asked. "No thanks, I'm trying to cut down."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-07T02:46:00.000-08:00

A pastor went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn't work so well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them. He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems, "I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses," he said. "You see, when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-04T04:24:00.000-07:00

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-03T04:52:00.000-07:00

My sister, suspecting that she had lost an inch or so in height as she passed middle age, asked her husband to measure her. Finding that my sister was indeed shorter than in her youth, her husband remarked, "Of course you are. That's because you married and settled down."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-02T03:35:00.000-07:00

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-11-01T04:37:00.000-07:00

In hindsight, holding a ticker-tape parade to honor our city's street cleaning crew was probably a bad idea.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-31T03:06:00.000-07:00

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. 85% of women think their ass is too big. 10% of women think their ass is too little. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-28T04:58:00.001-07:00

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-27T02:54:00.001-07:00

A man goes to see his rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening, and I have to talk to you about it.' The rabbi asks, 'What's wrong?' The man replies, 'My wife is trying to poison me.' The rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's putting poison in my food; what should I do?' The rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her; I'll see what I can find out, and I'll let you know.' So the rabbi calls the wife and asks her what is going on in her marriage. There follows a vituperative harangue that involves a lot of screaming, cursing, invective, vitriol, and huge doses of bitterness. The rabbi tries to intercede with the wife, but at no point in the three-hour tirade is the clergyman able to get a word in edgewise. The rabbi then calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone as I said I would. You want my advice?' 'Yes,' says the man, and the rabbi replies, 'Take the poison!'

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-26T04:28:00.000-07:00

When the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought special or regular gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the roughness of the engine." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "It cost the same as always. I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-25T02:42:00.000-07:00

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved and he signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?" The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50%, because you did all of it through the muffler."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-24T03:59:00.000-07:00

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to myself, "Wow dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-21T01:23:00.000-07:00

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was crushed to death.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-20T01:36:00.000-07:00

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine. What! You've never heard of wind chilled vipers?

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-19T03:08:00.001-07:00

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-18T01:56:00.000-07:00

The dollar will never fall as low as what some people will do to get it.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-17T02:08:00.000-07:00

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-14T01:45:00.000-07:00

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-13T02:54:00.000-07:00

A woman was sprawled on the living-room couch watching her favorite show on a television food channel when her husband walked in. "Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don't even cook."

Glaring back at him, she asked, "Then why do you watch football?"

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-12T02:38:00.001-07:00

He said: "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said:"That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-11T02:40:00.000-07:00

Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings,said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"

Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-10T02:57:00.000-07:00

The family dinner that night included salad, served on everyone's plate before they sat down. Coming to the table, Dad caught his four-year-old daughter, Amy, poking his salad and told
her to stop.

Amy was very quiet all through dinner. Finally, when the meal was over, Dad asked her, "Amy, why were you playing with my food?

"I was trying to get the moth out," she replied.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-07T01:28:00.000-07:00

A man took his eight-year-old son to the pizzeria to pick up their order. Corey, the eight-year-old, wanted to get the pizza himself, so his dad handed him a $20 bill and a $2 coupon and waited in the car. A few minutes later Corey appeared with the pizza, change and the coupon. "Wouldn't they take the coupon?" his dad asked.

"Oh, sure, but we didn't need it," said Corey. "We had enough money."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-06T02:54:00.000-07:00

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?" Wally replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Max, "What in the world for?" "Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" "Yeah," said Max, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, that an old guy like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-05T02:06:00.000-07:00

As Super Bowl week neared, the supervisor for the contractor I work for posted an intimidating memo reminding the day shift that betting on the game was verboten. "9 to 5 employees caught participating in Super Bowl pools will be severely reprimanded." An inveterate gambler from the night shift added his own postscript: "7 to 1 says they won't."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-04T02:47:00.000-07:00

Two friends were driving along the highway, looking for a place to stop and picnic. The first one said, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other said, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to avoid hitting them. The one friend says to the other, "See? If we were having our picnic under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

JEST FOR FUN

2011-10-03T01:49:00.000-07:00

Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. Mrs. Smith is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a
meal for the four. Mister explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife or a date. Since this is there first party, Mister consoles her by saying that all she has to do
is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea. At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

JEST FOR FUN

2011-09-30T02:40:00.000-07:00

At breakfast one day, a woman eagerly waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, she asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his paper, her husband replied, "Oh, probably about 5 to 10 years."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-09-29T02:33:00.000-07:00

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

JEST FOR FUN

2011-09-28T03:42:00.000-07:00

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset." She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference."

JEST FOR FUN

2011-09-27T03:12:00.001-07:00

The state of Louisiana wanted to commemorate their historic Civil War General, James Howe. So they named a bayou after him. It's called Howe's Bayou.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-09-26T03:01:00.001-07:00

A suitor, dejected over being rejected thought about hanging himself in front of her house, then remembered she didn't want him hanging around.  

JEST FOR FUN

2011-09-23T01:48:00.000-07:00

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

The other fisherman replies,"If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some.

"Nope. Still salty." Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty." One hour later, they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says, "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty."

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

JEST FOR FUN

2011-09-22T02:29:00.000-07:00

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.

So without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago. I owe my life to chocolate!

JEST FOR FUN

2011-09-20T02:55:00.001-07:00

Sign at a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart: We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

JEST FOR FUN

2011-09-19T02:13:00.000-07:00

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food. One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on the counter. Determined to finally rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. Returning later, the cook began frantically looking around the galley, then shouted out, "Where did my cornbread go?"

JEST FOR FUN

2011-09-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped
at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard and down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly we realized why: we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.