JEST FOR FUN

A man goes into the plumbing supply store and says "I bought a bathtub here last week, but it keeps leaking." The clerk asks, "Did you put a plug in it?" The customer becomes upset. "Plug in it? You didn't tell me it was an electric tub!"

JEST FOR FUN

Back in the 1800s the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

JEST FOR FUN

A friend introduced Richard to a woman and said, "This is Richard. He just got into the nursing program." She looked at Richard and scoffed, "a MALE nurse?!" But he had a great comeback ready. Without missing a beat he said, "I applied to be a female nurse, but I didn't pass the physical." Everybody but her laughed.

JEST FOR FUN

A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were charged in court with having "corrupted the murals of a miner."

JEST FOR FUN

I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate. "Why do you ask?" I responded. "Because, my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday," she replied, "and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast this morning."

JEST FOR FUN

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, Every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag an overweight man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

JEST FOR FUN

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect!

JEST FOR FUN

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent. Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her new-found interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.

"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.

Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom. holding in her chuckles at being so clever, asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"

In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly, but matter-of-factly, stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."

JEST FOR FUN

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.

JEST FOR FUN

The participants in a Xmas pageant forgot their lines, tripped on their floor length costumes, and otherwise totally botched up the performance. All the same, they were foolish enough to show up for a curtain call, at which they promptly were pelted with whatever the audience had on hand, rather than being applauded. As they retreated backstage to clean up, the lead player remarked to the others, "Well, those were certainly bows of folly."

JEST FOR FUN

"Hi. This is Sarah Palin. Is Senator Lieberman in?" "No, governor, he's not in today, this is Yom Kippur." "Well, hello, Yom. Can I leave a message?"

JEST FOR FUN

I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate. "Why do you ask?" I responded. "Because, my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday," she replied, "and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast this morning."

JEST FOR FUN

I've got to start remembering to lock my car when I go to the grocery store.

I came out yesterday and there were two bushels of zucchini in the back seat!

JEST FOR FUN

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Sandra in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?" The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Sandra and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her. Okay?" "Okay," replied Michael, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"

JEST FOR FUN

A bribe is when the giver says "Thanks" and the receiver says "Don't mention it."

JEST FOR FUN

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver." At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep silver...to match her hair." Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So John, I guess you must be going barefoot?"

JEST FOR FUN

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently, "Scoundrels" and "Drunks" were not the correct answers

JEST FOR FUN

The reason politicians hate golf is it reminds them too much of work--one bad lie after another.

JEST FOR FUN

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.

JEST FOR FUN

I'm not the woman I used to be, so why should I have to pay off her debts?

JEST FOR FUN

John and Bill were teeing off on the long par 5 seventh hole. John decided he was going to reach the green in two and took such a cut at the ball that he almost fell over. The ball skimmed out over the course about 5 feet above the ground, slicing into a tree and bouncing into the fairway a mere 150 yards out. "Nice condom shot." remarked Bill. "What's a condom shot?" asked John. "It's safe, but doesn't feel quite as good." replied Bill.



JEST FOR FUN

This morning the math teacher singled me out to ask, "If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would you have?" Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.


JEST FOR FUN

St. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks. "No, it's all right. It won't be long." And he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on. St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again. The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"